I cannot tell you how many times I have heard clients who have relapsed discuss how their loved ones still distrust them after months, and sometimes years, of sobriety. Well, guess what? Trusting after being hurt, betrayed, violated, or any other adjective you want to use will take some time. You need to stop blaming your relapses on loved ones who still distrust you and are waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Blaming relapses on others is a common theme client’s use in my groups. After responding to client’s with “nice try,” we talk about what makes loved ones so pessimistic and waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop, and the addict to re-appear.
In my group “Trauma and Addictions” we process how clients must own the fact that their addictions have traumatized loved ones around them; the looks I get from them are priceless. Many do not see their addictions as abusive to loved ones, that is, until it is pointed out to them.
Clients with addictions that have gone on for any length of time, and involving multiple relapses, often deal with loved ones who are waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop and the lying, cheating, and stealing to get high starts all over again. Once I point this out to clients, they realize that expecting loved ones to trust them this time around will take time.
Trust is a tricky virtue. Once broken, it is difficult, and at times, nearly impossible, to ever get back. Clients need to understand that concept and learn to focus on their recovery and not the expectations of others. That is easier said than done. I have had many clients feel as though enough time has passed in recovery and their loved ones should now be able to trust them: a relapse that was waiting to happen.
In groups, I must constantly stress the importance of focusing on, and building back up, a client’s mind, body, and spirit. If clients focus on themselves, expectations of others trusting them again will not be so important, or at least less stressful!
I also educate clients on how to return to loved ones after a stint in rehab and process the past abuse their addictions have caused them. It is just not enough to say, “I’m sorry.” They have heard “I’m sorry” a gazillion times. It needs to be more specific to the pain that they have caused them. Although this form of “amends” does not necessarily restore trust, it does create a sign of something different may have happened this time around.
Often when clients return home, loved ones are hyper-focused on their every behavior, movement, and statements. The “waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome” is real so get prepared for it! In fact, welcome it as a chance to prove yourselves. Just do it without expecting it to restore broken trust. Stop trying to control things outside of your control, another valuable lesson we teach at our facilities.
I know all this is easier said than done, but it is necessary for your recovery to continue without added distractions. It is hard enough to focus on recovery challenges such as triggers, cravings, and past unresolved issues rearing their heads, you do not need added white noise.
Let me suggest making this blog a challenge for all of you in recovery. How about you sit your families and/or loved ones down and head off the “waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome” at the pass. Let them know that you understand how stressful early recovery can be for them, as well as yourselves, and that you all can work on rebuilding trust.
In all seriousness, the tension that often exists in a recovery house is real, and it is serious. To relieve that tension, more communication on issues like trust and past incidents need to be discussed and processed.
The key word in this blog is “communication”! Communication with loved ones on what you may be experiencing since returning home can help them understand and be more supportive of your sobriety. The more you communicate how you understand what they may be anticipating, the less they will anticipate. “Communication,” “communication,” and “communication” is the route to easing the waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome from happening.
I would be remiss not to mention here that manipulating your loved ones upon returning from rehab by continuing to lie about your progress or recovery will exponentially damage your relationship. So, do not use any of my suggestions until you are serious about recovery!
Getting serious about recovery means not promising your loved ones with statements like “I got this now,” or “It’s different this time.” They have heard them as many times as hearing “I’m sorry.” It means being honest about the struggles of sobriety and how you will try your best but will also reach out when in distress. Waiting for the other shoe to drop syndrome is real for loved ones. It is like suffering from secondary PTSD and can be debilitating for them as well as for you. Break the silence surrounding walking on eggshells and communicate with them as much as possible. It will help them be less tense about your actions, and it will be helpful for your sobriety.
Mind, Body, Spirit… Balance!
Vinnie Strumolo, CEO, CCO, LMFT
