July 30, 2023


I think it is important to note that as we internally grow our circle of friends gets smaller. Our choice in mates grows slimmer. Our impulsive desire to go out seems to diminish. At least that is what I have experienced as I continue the journey toward inner peace and contentment.

It almost sounds like isolating, doesn’t it? However, it can be due to you growing internally. You are getting much more selective about the people you let into your lives and are making choices about something as opposed to being driven by something.

In a previous post I used myself as an example when addressing “alone” time and the “demons” that drove me to avoid this time. I found myself going out even when I did not want to. The irony was feeling more “alone” with the people around me than staying home alone. I would go out anyway just to avoid my distorted thinking and inner unrest.

My post traumatic life was, and remains, quite different. When considering going out, I weigh the trip against my joy of precious “alone” time and then make my decision. I am no longer a prisoner to my emotional reactivity. I am growing more aware of my internal feelings that have given me the strength to weigh some decisions against my internal beliefs and feelings about the choices I make. Now, I am far from “perfect” and still get “triggered” and become emotionally reactive to events. The difference is I now process my role in the reactivity and am not so quick to blame outside forces for my own unrest. I laugh at myself for getting caught up in old behaviors and internal processes and move on.

In my discussions with clients on a journey to past trauma/life event resolutions they have also shared how selective they are becoming as they get internally healthier. Some of them question whether that is normal or not. Remember my overall philosophy behind Resolution Focused Therapy (RFT) is simplifying an overly complex organism; yourselves. Your tendencies may be to run back to your “unhealthy grounds.” But remember, they only appeared to be easier because you were self-centered and playing the “victim” role. It is not, and never was, a simple place. You just did not care about your life and that is the irony. You are now part of a “healthier” system, and it can scare the “beejeezesus” out of you.

In our relationships we also become more selective. We no longer choose potential mates or friends based on some internal dysfunctional systems or beliefs. Our choices become simple. In my case, I will only choose a mate or circle of friends that makes me happier than I already am. Another way to look at it is why would I want to risk being with people who do not make me happier than I already am.

Stop questioning your choices of whether to go out or not, or who should be your friends and mates. Spend more time educating yourselves to understanding what drives you or how you are behaving, and the rest will take care of itself. Focus on resolving past traumas/life events, and the rest will take care of itself. Stop chasing your own symptoms and start focusing on becoming internally stronger, and the rest will take care of itself.

Mind, Body, Spirit…Balance!

Vinnie Strumolo, CEO, CCO, LMFT