I will attempt to answer the ultimate question in life with a short blog. Are you Happy? oh boy, here we go! Happiness is a relative term, and one that is both subjective and elusive. Is your answer truthful, or just a distorted belief to convince yourselves that you are happy? I will address this from a simple, but complicated concept of self-worth.

First, let us address whether your happiness depends on another person you are married to or in a relationship with. If so, that’s red flag number one. I suggest you read my blog “I Can’t Live Without You” https://resolutionshealthcare.com/blog/i-cant-live-without-you, or “Putting Others On a Pedestal” https://resolutionshealthcare.com/blog/putting-others-on-a-pedestal. Your happiness should never be built on an external person, place, or thing.

We need to look at happiness as an internal concept, and one that relies on how you see yourselves. It should not depend on how others see you. That is red flag number two. And the only way that happens is with your own self-worth. Your self-worth is developed through your upbringing, family dynamics, and traumas/life events in your lives. Once you recognize that you are a product of your experiences, then you can begin to understand how to move toward an internal happiness that is not dependent on others.

I cannot tell you the thousands of clients I have worked with that do not get it and depend on others for their happiness in life. It is overwhelming the number of clients that have built their self-image and happiness on whether they are married, have children, or are in a relationship. It is a sad observation for me when I see people with such low self-worth.

Unfortunately, our society and families often frown on those living their single lives. I have recently watched a news special that said people are happier when in a relationship or have children. This belief is distorted and based on many people in our society who do not have a healthy self-worth. Like myself, they were indoctrinated by their families to believe being alone is not healthy. For me, it took a traumatic event to shake me out of that distorted belief.

Let us discuss the red flags I have listed. Number one is your belief that you cannot live without your significant other, whether married or in a relationship. You need to immediately seek professional counseling or at least recognize that this belief is not healthy in any way. That is the best advice I can give you. This belief has led to many people dying by suicide, or worse, hurting loved ones when they attempt to leave or break off the relationship. At the least, they are living in a constant state of fear, depression, or anxiety, often walking on eggshells.

Red flag number two is always seeking others’ approval or attention. This flag goes hand in hand with the first one. It may not be as extreme, but it will still lead to an unhealthy state of mind. You may find yourselves always seeking others’ attention, which will lead to how you feel that day. If someone is giving you attention, you are happy. If they are not giving you attention, you will either be depressed, anxious, or try to figure out how to fix it. Regardless of your response, it prevents you from every growing past the need to seek approval.

The tricky part to this question of whether you are happy or not is whether you are fooling yourselves. The only advice I have is from my own journey to inner peace and happiness without depending on others. I have done a lot of internal processing over the past 3 decades. I have gone from a low self-worth prior to my traumatic event, to a self-worth I am happy asserting. The truest way to measure whether you are fooling yourselves or not comes when tested.

The only time you truly know whether you have conquered some internal obstacle like low self-worth is when you are tested. I will use my personal journey to show how this test works.

For me, prior to my life event, I defined my worth by external sources, especially in relationships. Post event, I no longer was influenced by a low self-worth driving my external relationships. Once I felt internal happiness or a healthy self-worth, I would be able to assess whether someone I allowed into my life was lifting me higher or dragging me back to old ways.

My test came in the early 2000’s. I was in a four-year relationship but reached a point where I was no longer happier at it than when I was single. The difference now was I did not have to drag it out and was able to leave it and know it was the right move. I immediately realized that I was happier being single. For me, this was an epiphany of sorts. I was finally able to measure external factors against my internal ones. Since I found happiness in my post event single life it became easy to determine whether external factors were healthy or unhealthy.

The final red flag I would like to close with is beware when most of society becomes unhealthy and sets the bar for what is healthy. I have observed an entire generation being raised with excess anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem or worth. I have watched my own therapist colleagues normalize anxiety as being a disorder instead of what it is, a symptom of some underlying problem(s). I call it “chasing symptoms” https://resolutionshealthcare.com/blog/chasing-symptoms, instead of recognizing the cause of the symptom.

To be fair to his generation’s shortcomings on validating and normalizing unhealthy symptoms like anxiety and depression, I can surely validate my early years in the 60’s being unhealthy with parents weighing self-worth on whether you are married, or have children, or in a secure job. The only difference with all generations is that our new generation is built on social media which amplifies and reenforces unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and actions, especially when lying and misinformation becomes the norm.

Are you happy as a stand-alone person? If so, congratulations and keep up the excellent work. If not, start the work to assess how you base your self-worth or happiness.

If your identity is built on others such as your significant other or your children, then you have work to do. If you do not see the problem, you will, if you experience a breakup or your children do not seem to be living up to your expectations. You may begin to get angry at minor issues or start withdrawing into depression or suddenly feeling anxious about daily activities.

The danger when you do not see a problem in your dependence on others for happiness is believing in friends or family around you when they also suffer from low self-worth. There is a reason for the adage “misery loves company,” it exists because it is accurate. If you are surrounded by family and friends who also base their happiness on others, then you will be fighting an uphill battle. It is not easy to stand alone and believe your internal warning system when it tells you to get out of an unhealthy situation and that it is time to change your ways.

I will end this blog as I started it with a question. Are you Happy? If not, check inside yourselves and assess your self-worth. If you are living for others, you need to begin a self-journey of discovery to break an unhealthy pattern. If you do not, you will be sentencing yourselves to a life of unhappiness riddled with symptoms such as anxiety and depression. The answers are not outside of you; they are within you. And stop listening to the people around you! If you are living in an unhappy state, the odds are you also surround yourselves with people in the same condition. Do your own work! It is worth it in the long run.

Mind, Body, Spirit…Balance!

Vinnie Strumolo, CEO, CCO, LMFT